Sunday, May 15, 2011

Double Vision

Ever since I received an email telling me that the care facility which I'd chosen for Bob (the same place where he attends daycare 2-3 days a week) would have a surprise open Medicaid bed in Aspen, their first step ward, I've had double vision when I look at my husband of almost 44 years.
When I see him, I can not avoid the confident, intelligent man I married, the guy I've traveled all over the world with, the one I'd hoped to retire into the sunset with.
I thought those dreams and that person were behind me, that I accepted the daily new and sadder and diminishing man, but now I realize that the shadow self has ever been there. My memory remains good. When I see him smile now for some creature comfort thoughtfulness, I can't forget the guy who got all my stupid jokes, argued with me about politics, and agreed that we should be grasshoppers not ants.
I repeat myself. I know I can't help the man who's here beside me. I so miss the guy he would have been by now if Alzheimer's hadn't robbed us of our "golden years."
MAKE THE MOST OF EVERY SINGLE MOMENT. We can't be sure we have a tomorrow.


  1. You are SO BRAVE. Because you are so brave, you'll be fine! You will create a new place for yourself. I don't see you as one of those spouses who sits beside their loved one all day every day--abandoning your own life. I see you as someone who CAN go outside, and you WILL go because you know how. You guys developed your strengths together; you honor HIS every time you use yours.

  2. Very thankful for your advice. Your wisdom serves us all well