Thursday, May 12, 2011

Death ... again??

A new step. I will be placing Bob in a care facility next week. I'd planned on this move during the summer: I am exhausted, I'm having health issues myself, I am 65 (just), I can't let AzD steal two lives. Can I?

This is another of many, many deaths. Most of us experience the loss of our spouse only once. We who share our marriages with Alzheimer's live through many small deaths.

I thought I'd avoided denial, but as I look into a future where I won't move incredibly slowly through the grocery store being sure he keeps one hand on the cart, as I think of having our bed all to myself without him beside me so I can hold his hand in the middle of the night when he doesn't even know it (even if I do have to wake and cover him each time he gets up), as I think of not having him offer to go along with me to parent teacher conferences so he won't worry about me driving at night, I face the fact that through these past six plus years, for better or worse, he's been with me, damn it!! I've not had to give him up.

I know it's time but I hate it. I hate it! I hate it!
I feel weak and selfish and guilty. I know it's the right time and I hate it.
I hate it!

1 comment:

  1. Trust your gut. And then go through the hard process of accepting what your gut is telling you. And don't worry about proving your love.

    You are not weak, selfish or guilty of anything but loving another person.

    And one last thing... allow yourself to feel those things.